i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
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