she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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