I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
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Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
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What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.