Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
