They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
