when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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