There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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