hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
i believe in u and ur pee
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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