I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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