you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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