just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
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