took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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