Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I'm too high and old for this...
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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