I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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