today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
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you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
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I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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