Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
