maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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