Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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