when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I just gift wrapped bread.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Randomize
