I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
