the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
