just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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