omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
