Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
