John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.