go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.