i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Even my vagina gasped.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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