Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
