Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
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