It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
