Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
i came on her dog
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Randomize
