Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
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It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
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Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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