Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Randomize
