I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
