Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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