i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
