I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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