I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
