I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
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