Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
