i don't like sucking hair
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
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