i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
The adults are the big ones right?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
