Yo dont text me then not text me
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
