i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
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