I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
