I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
