I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
