Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
