only if we run a train.
done.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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