i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
She bit a glass in half.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
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He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
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In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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