Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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