When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
