Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
