I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
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it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
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It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize