1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
